First. Let ne say this. Everything im about to say is not from any place of anger, annoyance or negativity. Im not upset or angry at you. I have no negative feelings toward anyone. I just want to make that clear before I continue.
I dont “bring up my horrible past.” As an excuse for anything. I also dont live in a place of fear. Did I have a complete meltdown during the drive to the concert? Absolutely. But let me explain exactly where that comes from.
As a kid my best friend was another girl named Kim. I was sort of excluded at school because of my disability so friends were not easy to make. She always took the time to invite me places and include me in everything she could. Even if it meant modifying it so I could do it.
One morning coming to school I saw the life flight take off from in front of the church. I didn’t think anything of it. Until first period when the teacher told us what had happened.
Kim’s older sister Holly was driving them to school when they were hit head on by a police officer who had fallen asleep. Both Kim and Holly (who was a,senior and about 6 months pregnant at the time.) Were thrown through the windshield. They died instantly.
To make matters worse, in my home town my family was sort of the big wigs. Every aunt. Uncle. Older cousins. Worked as firemen. Town council. Selectmen. Ect. Every local government office was held by a member of my family.
So. That afternoon my father picked me up and when I was at his home my uncles came over. They both didn’t know I was laying in the back seat of the car when they told my father in minute gory detail exactly what happened to Kim and Holly. I heard it all while laying in the back seat.
I learned then juat how dangerous cars are. Thats what triggered the meltdown. I have been in therapy for years. When it comes to small things I can handle it. Ive had tires blow out. Ive had a truck completely die in the road. I handled it without even flinching. I dont let my trauma stop me from doing what I need to do.
But you have to understand the context. We were on a major interstate highway. Wedged between 18 wheelers in bumper to bumper traffic with endless sensor alarms going off and the car sputtering. We were in the middle lane and had to cross 2 lanes of traffic to get off the interstate. It was also over 100 degrees.
It was sensory overload and a trauma trigger all at the same time. I dont think my response was unreasonable given that.
With that said. My books are my babies. Its the place I go to create a world where best friends don’t die as kids and where even when things feel hard there is always a happy ending and the bad guys dont win.
We all know the real world is not like that. Not publishing them isnt because of fear. Its because while the characters are fiction the things they feel are mostly based on things ive personally experienced in some form or another. Its a bit like letting someone read my diary.
If that means im letting fear stop me, well that’s okay if you think that.
I have never let anything stop me. I was a less than 3 pounds preemie told I would never walk or talk or live on my own. But I do.
I survived a mother who used to pass out drunk in the middle of the yard in her underwear. Or disappear for weeks on end leaving my brothers and I having to look for change in the couch to eat.
I survived being homeless and sleeping on park benches in Massachusetts winter. For years.
And then I moved to Georgia, alone. With no car. No money and a,single suitcase of things to my name.
I have prsd and anxiety and depression. But I do not let fear control me. I am also not going to pretend my past did not happen and doesn’t affect me. A person cant be beaten with metal fly swatters as a,child and walk away without remaining affects.
I dont live in a place of fear. But I am also not going to pretend im okay when im not. I am honest. About everything.
I never said I would never publish anything. But if I asked to look at a fictional representation of your life I dont think you would be so quick to share with everyone. Its something thats going to take time.
Regardless of the fact that writing isnt something easy to make money with. Its a,hard market under the best circumstances.
Edit to add: I dont think its right to tell someone to stop bringing up something that caused them trauma. I do not talk about that unless,its relevant to the conversation. Its not as, if I go around talking about my past all the time.
I also do things all the time that terrify me. Including doctors visits. Ive had blood work and 2 doctors visits in the last two weeks. It causes such a trauma response that my blood pressure gets to stroke levels. My doctor was so concerned she put me on meds even tho it only happens when im afraid. But I still did it. I still went and did what I had to do.
but its been 14 years and I wouldn’t change a thing.
. They want you to get out of your negative head and reach for the stars. You may decide to block me, put please believe me when I tell you, I truly care about your wellbeing and I believe it is time to stop bringing up your horrible past as an excuse, you have so much more power than you have tapped into.
