I know it is long but it might be worth reading!
The True Story of Reborning
Once upon a time in Impossible Land, there lived a very evil woman named Jen whose sole pleasure was torturing women with creating impossible crafts. She was so very frustrated because tatting had gone out of style and women everywhere were actually able to paint on rocks after years of practice. As she was stewing over the problem of what craft to torture women with next, she noticed the baby doll the little girl next door had left out in the rain. Her eyes lit up and she crackled with glee “I’ll make them paint dolls!”
So she grabbed the doll, washed off the mud and removed the hair. Then she went to her makeup case with its special beauty creating stencil creams that she used on herself and began to paint the doll. Then she posted photos on her computer (that had just been created by her friend, Max) so that everyone could see, not mentioning of course that her beauty paints were different than those people in the real world had.
In the meantime, her friend Max had invented the internet. The one place people could go to find so many answers to questions that they never knew they had and share information about Everything. That kept most of the men busy, trying to figure out what stunt they could pull off that was better than that guy’s that they saw on Youtube or posting how many trips they had made to the bathroom during the last ball game. Teenagers also loved it, which drove parents batty trying to get them to do anything. But he just couldn’t seem to interest women, until he and Jen came up with doll forums.
So when she found that families were accepting their “special” women painting babies, she naturally asked Max for advice. Thus ebay was invented. There all the awful dolls would be critiqued, not to mention laughed at, and she could post her exquisite masterpieces for all to drool over (and try to copy). Max was thrilled too. Finally he could get rid of all the junk he had collected over the years, like canned air and two bahjillon doo-dads. Plus they both could put in fake bids, just to drive the prices up, and of course, decide after winning not to pay.
Time passed and she noticed that women were actually getting the hang of doll painting. Grumble, grumble. So she invented genesis paints. Impossibly thick paints needing to be thinned to a perfect consistency and applied with sponges, then removed by more sponges and baked. Not to mention, she added in that everyone should wear gloves so their hands would sweat and the brushes would slip. Plus she made Max agree to sell only gloves that ran two sizes too small in all stores and countertop ovens that weren’t quite big enough to bake in without hitting doll parts on hot metal. That will keep them busy, she thought. But no, women everywhere flocked to genesis and actually created beautiful dolls. Max, however, was thrilled because he’d finally gotten rid of all his old stock of toaster ovens and the extra-small gloves!
So she went to her magical barnyard and trimmed some luxurious, fine mohair from her pet goat. Mohair so beautiful it made babies cry because their hair was too coarse. She then rooted it with her Non-stickable in Flesh needles. Then posted her baby for all to see. Soon after that, women everywhere were sporting Little Mermaid and Ninja Turtle bandages (because they’d already used up all of theirs) and the photos of their poor dolls with matted, spiky, kinked or just plain awful hair began to appear in posts everywhere.
Finally, she could take a break. Whew! But instead baby goats began to show up in fields with mysterious hair loss and the bandaids were replaced by fingers held up in joy over their pristine skin.
Grumble, grumble, I’ll fix them. Since camels have the best hair for paintbrushes, she sent Max out to the barnyard to get some impossibly fine hairs from her camel (after all, she wasn’t going to do it, camels spit!). She then mixed up some of her self –correcting, super-thin, perfect color paint and painted eyebrows that looked real. Drool, drool, everywhere women needed bibs. I can do that they thought. But not having a magical camel with impossibly fine hair or the perfect paint, they instead ended up with dolls with caterpillars on their brows.
Suddenly, beautiful dolls began to appear on ebay that weren’t hers. And doll companies began to offer kits. And Youtube instructional videos were popping up. And her stress level rose because women were happily making dolls. “Ack”, she screamed, “what am I going to do?” Just then Max drove up sporting what looked like a full head of hair…when she knew he had been bald the day before. “Look what my granddaughter doodled on me last night while I was sleeping in my recliner!” Max exclaimed while admiring himself in the mirror. “Of course, I’ll make them paint hair!” So she painted a head with her impossibly fine camel hair brushes till it looked so real it scared Max when he woke up from his nap in her recliner. Then she posted photos on doll forums and ebay and you-tube.
So today, while you are struggling with paint mixtures and brushes and sponges, just remember this history lesson. Don’t get better at anything or she’ll come up with a new way to torture us!